The rules are easy. All you have to do right, is see if you can find the odd one out. First person to find him wins.

You can never be 100% sure that the person you are talking to isn't Rory Bremner.

Hoovinox is our largest and most powerful robot. He will keep your house squeaky-clean! Hoovinox moves using thick lead ceiling rails which will be installed all over your house. He has one of the most powerful vacuum-facilitators known to man, so you can really trust him to get into those nooks and crannies! Like all our robots Hoovinox runs exclusively on diesel (approx 4 gallons per 1/2 hour).

WARNING: Due to the enormous suction power of Hoovinox it will be necessary upon activation to secure ALL items which you wish not to be hoovered. Hoovinox MUST NOT be allowed to run low on fuel as he will become extremely hot, and may start to move erractically. Please note, we can accept no responsibility for fires caused by misuse of Hoovinox.

Two For One Deal! Order Hoovinox now and we will supply you with Electricat absolutely free!!
"Electricat - The Kids Love 'im!"

“At this moment in time, I never said them things” – Glenn Hoddle

The words uttered by Glenn Hoddle on his sacking as Manager of the England Football team - for claiming that disabled people were being punished (ie. bad karma) for leading a reprehensible earlier life - present a paradox. This short article attempts to throw light on this conundrum which has puzzled a number of commentators. Let us try to break down the problem, first by considering how Hoddle might have avoided the paradox by judicious rephrasing. Second, we will attempt a deeper analysis taking Hoddle’s statement in a more holistic – and less linguistic – sense. By this twin approach we hope to resolve the paradox.

First let us reflect on what Hoddle might have said. He could have rephrased the statement as “Up until (rather than “At”) this moment in time (i.e. until now) I have never said them things.” This would not necessarily imply that Hoddle may not say them things in the future. In turn this possibility raises a question mark over his use of the absolute term “never” – which negates the idea of saying them things between now (at this moment in time) and infinitely in the future. The paradox would therefore remain, even with the helpful addition of “Up until”.

As a further refinement, Hoddle could have said “Up until this moment in time I have not said them things”. This is a statement without, at first sight, an inherent contradiction. The use of the term “up until this moment in time” is essentially redundant, however, if the denial is to be taken in good faith. If Hoddle had simply said “I have not said them things” then we would have had no reason to suspect that he had said them things – or more importantly to suspect that he was positioning himself to say them things at a future moment in time. The apparent precision of the statement “up until this moment in time” (implying no such statement made from the moment of time at Hoddle’s birth through to the moment in time of his denial) carries the implication that at a future moment Hoddle might say them things. A less worthy interpretation could be that Hoddle attempted to add authority to his denial by prefacing it with spurious accuracy, pinpointing it to a single ‘moment’.

But this is superficial analysis. The fact is that Hoddle did not use “Up until” and he did use “never”. The real issue behind the paradox is the combination of two measures of time – the infinitely small and the eternal - in the same sentence. By saying “at this moment in time” Hoddle leads us to focus on the single moment – the nano-second – on which the denial (of saying them things) is buttressed. Yet at the same time Hoddle challenges us to contemplate the infinitely large. For he asks us to accept that at that very moment “I never said them things”.

Hoddle is therefore asking us to accept that at a particular moment in time an assertion of infinite duration can be made. This is the essence of the paradox. It asks the reader both to engage with the infinitely small and the infinitely large in one phrase. Hoddle could have served us better with a more forensic statement as follows:
“At all moments in time I never said, nor would I say, them things”.

And yet … have we underestimated Hoddle? Let us assume for arguments’ sake that he never said them things – neither in the past nor will he in future. If that is statement is true, then it is true for all moments in time. If it is true at all moments in time then it is true at this moment in time. It may not be a complete statement but that does not make it untrue. If this axiom is accepted then what we are looking at is not a paradox but an incomplete, but not untrue statement. Hoddle may have felt it ill-behoved him to make statements of the infinite as a Football Manager and his apparently paradoxical references to single moments of time could have been, if conceived only subliminally, expressions of humility.

In other words – and this is the nub - them very things that Hoddle denied saying smacked of an arrogance, in diametric opposition to the humility implicitly exhibited by Hoddle by the wording of his denial. This is perhaps more one for the psychologists than philosophers and I leave this anomaly to others more qualified than me to contemplate.


copyright Professor Imran Gravitas 2005

Horticlops is our new gardening robot. He will keep your garden in perfect condition! Horticlops will arrive complete with changeable garden fork, hoe, and spade attachments, and even has his own removable gardening boots so that you can take them off and clean them.
Boots available in a range of styles and colours www.boots.com

WARNING: NEVER interrupt Horticlops when he is gardening. He may become aggressive.

Horticlops runs on diesel (3 gallons per hour), weighs 1.6 tons, and moves in random circles. As with all robots, NEVER leave Horticlops outside as if he gets wet he may catch fire. If he catches fire he may become aggressive and his speed will increase.

Click Radiohead to listen.

written by J.Hopkins/S.Hopkins

Just click "Keane" to listen.

Barbernaut is our most hi-tech and multi-featured robot. He will cater to all your hairdressing needs, right down to the styling bit! One of the many advantages of robotic hairdressing is that the need to make appointments is eradicated – Barbernaut will store your first date of hairdressing and then six weeks later he will call again.

WARNING: When Barbernaut returns he will NOT leave until he has cut someone’s hair. NEVER attempt to subvert or avoid Barbernaut. He may become aggressive, and he is extremely fast. Obviously it is impossible to predict what time of day Barbernaut will return so we recommend that you remain in your house until that time comes.

Among one of many celebrity patrons is TV’s Vernon Kaye. Beneath is a picture of him before and after his first visit from Barbernaut.